I'm the worst

by An idiot
(USA)

I went on a vacation a month ago. I had a one-night stand. I was incredibly drunk in a bar, and I blacked out. I ended up in a hotel room with a random girl. I have never done anything like it before. We had unprotected sex, vaginally and orally.

A few weeks later, my girlfriend and I had sex. And a few weeks after that, she told me she had bumps on her vagina, and that she ached when she urinated. She went to the doctor, and he told her she had herpes.

I've dated my girlfriend for almost five years. I've done stupid stuff--I've hurt her feelings, I've lied to her about things--but nothing compares to this. I haven't had an outbreak, though I feel I am possibly starting to have one now. A few days ago, I went to an expensive doctor and took a type-2 blood test. I came up negative. So apparently I have type 1.

I called the girl I slept with and talked things through with her. She's been very cooperative. She told me she was tested a year ago, and that she was negative for everything. But the math just doesn't add up, I told her. She's been kind about it.

My girlfriend and I are trying to work through it. Every day, I come home and do whatever I can for her. She knows that I love her, and how sorry I feel. I love her so much I couldn't even look her in the face. I wrote her a note. I fled and drove away in my car. I ended up in a town an hour and a half away.

I can't stand what I've done to her. I feel as if I'm the world's worst human being. I know that I am. Because of my mistakes, she is stuck with this disease that I have given her.

I know that it's possible to live with the disease. I know that I live with the consequences of my decision. I know I can't ask for any sympathy. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a pity party. But I have screwed up my life so much, I can't imagine it ever unraveling.