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He couldn't give me love so instead he gave me genital herpes....
by Zombie88
In my town it is literally 'slim pickins' to find a decent guy and with my track record i tend to meet or maybe even attract jerks. So, i thought i would try online dateing instead. I tried a free dateing website and and set up my own account and posted pictures and really worked my profile in hopes of finding a good person. After 'fishing' around i 'winked' at someone i thought was reasonably attractive, i mean i am NO 'Barbie Doll' so this was no time to be picky. After e-mailing back and forth and finding myself more and more attracted to him. I noticed quite a bit that i was the one that was the persuer. I told him that i wasn't comfortable with that and he said, "oh, i am not comfortable with the online dateing thing, but i am very interested." Within just a few days he gave me his phone number, which he had offered it before but i wasn't quite comfortable at that time to take that step. I heard his voice for the first time, it was very calm and almost soothing, like something i had heard before. After that seemed to be the one that was the persuer again. Again i told how annoyed i was with that and he said," oh, i am just not sure how seriuos you are." in which i repied,"I am very serious." A week later our schedules worked out well enough to where we could eventually meet face to face. We met, both driving almost 30-45 mins away from home just to meet each other. We met at a cafe'. I was extremely nervous. Meeting a guy online, i mean who knows what kind of a weirdo he could be? I guess I was feeling suicidal at the time. I have, well, i am deppressed, at least thats what the psych tells me. Anyway, so as incredibly uncomfortable as i was i was determined to stay there in that cold booth in a diner i had never been before and get to know this person. I had to be brave becasue I didn't want to be alone anymore and i figured he would be my 'best bet' and if i found out he was a 'dudd' i could just walk away. This guy was like 6'2'' and i am a mere 5'2'' plus he used to be in wrestling when he was in high school. oh, he was also 31 while i was 23. So, the relationship was little bit diproportioned. Anyway, as we sat there and talked he bought me a burger that i picked at and eventually ate. After talking about guns and hunting and fishing, all the kinds of stuff that i wanted to do but never really had the opportunity or someone that shared the same interest in and wanted to include me. After telling him that i had never shot a gun before, we decided that day we would go to his friends house and i would get to shoot a gun for th first time. I had a great time there and after talking to his friends and really begining to think, "yay! i think i may have found the right one!" We went back to the dinner. Before we even left the car I leaned over and kissed him, i had been waiting the whole day but just waiting for the right moment. After cuddling a while we made our way into the diner. When he payed for my meal the second i had to eat it, not only because i was to scared to eat the first one becasue i was so nervous and now i was starving but also becasue i felt bad i wasted his money. I kept saying,"i don't want this night to end." and he would say, "i don't either." We went to Wal-mart just to kind of lenghten the night and i mentioned that maybe he could stay the night at my place tonight but i said i didn't want anything to happen, he said,"we could just cuddle." So, we decided he would follow me in his car and we would go back to my appartment and just "cuddle". HA! I was lying to myself the WHOLE time! I knew what was gonna happen! Who was I kidding! Anyway, so it was super hot in my appartment and i have a twin size bed so we were super close and super snug and SUPER sweaty. oh, and he complained about my pubes so i shave them completly, the whole strip from back to front! ugh! Anyway, I don't know about him but i didn't sleep that night. Well, one thing lead to another and another...and i was the one that got on top of him and we had sex. I blame myself, I initiated it. I should've kept things respectful and civil but 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' He left in the morning cuz he lives like an hour away and he had to be to work too. We met up again by means of me packing and after work left to go to his appartment. I spent two nights there and then had to go back to work. I wanted to be his and he mine so, while he was at work and i was left alonein his appartment i played 'housewife' and cooked and cleaned. I wanted SO bad to be loved and appreciated. Everytime i would say 'i love you' he couldn't even get himself to respond, he says ," i have been hurt in the past, i have feelings for you, i do care about you....Yada yada yada...." Evenutally i couldn't wait to get back to work and back to my life and all my stuff. I left in the morning and went straight to work. Bout 5 days or so later he stayed the night at my appartment. I couldn't shake the feeling of not feeling the same way about him as i did before. I mean i wasn't attracted to him that much at all and i loved him, i just gave up on expressing it. i gues he was just starting to get on my nerves. so, the next morning, after he left, i started to think about everything that happened and i just realised hes never gonna let himself love me the way i deserve and the mean things he would say to me about my body and how i shaved just to appease him. I wasn't even worth it, i would rather be alone than with him. So, through a text message, i broke up with him. I cried, becasue i made him out to be more than he was. i hoped for the hopeless. A few days after i that day and that i quit shaving, which was a relief, i noticed it was strting to get sensitive down there but dismissed it was 'shave bumps' and just kept liveing out the days of my life, going to work and all. Eventually it became very painfull to pee and poop and i had strained some to go poop last time so i thought i must have a hemeroid of some kind.I took a prescription yeast infection pill and then used an ovule insert yeast infection treatment. I bought all these expensive creams hopeing for some kind of relief, but none came. I got on the internet and one girl was expressing the same kind of symptoms i had and she discoverd she had tears in her perinium so i thought that that might be it. Something kept telling me i should visit my doctor. When the weekend ended and monday came i made an appointment with my doctor. When i came in id described my symptoms and told him that i thought it could either be a torn perinium or hemeroid. So, he said I would get a pap test and left the room so that i could disrobe and get on the table. He came in and i scooted my but down to the end of the table and he barely even sat down on his little seat and glanced at me when he said, "i think you have herpes." I just layed there trying not to cry as he poked and prodded. he performed the pap smear which was more uncomfortable and hurt at that time more than ever before. As he left the room and the nurse followed after it felt like the was a darkeness, an emptieness. i felt so alone and scared. i just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. i just wanted to end it all. if i had a gun i wouldv'e. I got dressed and the doctor came in and sat down. he was probly expecting questions but i was in too much shock and disbelief, i was ready to cry a river. So, i just said, " thanks" and left the room. He sent a prescription for me to my local pharmacy and i picked it up after and endless 15 minute car ride back home in which i sobbed on the phone to my mother. I started takeing the pills as it was prescribed and had to sit in a bathtub of warm water in order to pee or poop. I knew it had to be herpes and i thought, " thats it, i am never gonna have a normal life. who would want some fat girl with genital herpes?" "I wonder if he even knows?" he kept saying, "All i wanna do is cuddle".....SIGH! well, whats done is done. I know for sure, no matter what the test says this coming tuesday that i have herpes. There is no doubt, there is hope, but there is no doubt in my mind. I just wanted to quit everything, quit my job, my appartment, my life adn move back home and be a hermit. never to see the light of day again. I felt, feel, so dark and alone....is there any light to the end of this tunnel. I finally told my dad today. I am surprised at what he said, he said, " i still love you anyway." Given the fact that i have never been close to my father, he was such an emotionally distant, sometimes very cold person, that statement just blew me away. I finally confided into one of my not completly sure if i trust her friends and she said that she was married to a guy that had herpes and she never contracted it and she knew a couple that had it togther. My mother had a friend who has it and still lived her life like anyone else. So, i guess there may be a light at the end of my tunnel. As for the guy, i haven't heard from him since. i wonder if i ever will...does he know he even has it?....
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