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4/2/10
I began to see my ex a lot, we always ended up in the same place at the same time, and it didn't phase him one bit that i was even in his presence. This made me so angry because i felt i gave him the world and never did anything wrong to him. I decided to get revenge. Not knowing that this decision will effect me way more than it would ever effect him. I decided to sleep with one of his friends. I was drunk and we had sex for about 5 mins and it was over. Yes, it was unprotected. Afterward his friend treated me horrible and i regretted it so much. It didn't make me feel better about my ex either. About 3 months later i began to experience an itching and tingling sensation, like a feather tickling me down there. I had a lot of discharge and i was so uncomfortable. A week later i began to get what seemed like little paper cuts around my vagina. I was mortified. I immediately ran to the gyno. I told them to check for every STD. I was pretty positive that what i had was herpes, since i had did my research. Ask the person that is waiting for test results what a week means to them. I was an emotional wreck waiting, everyday felt like a life time. Finally i get the call, and to my surprise the herpes culture they did came out negative, but i was positive for HPV. i still cried and thought it was the worst thing in the world. Eventually i coped. The gyno told me that she suspects that the cuts were due to dryness no she gave me an ointment. For awhile i was perfectly normal. I never had unprotected sex after. So now 8 months has passed and the cuts have appeared again. I am titchy and burning...but most of all scared. again, i am scared. I make an appointment to the gyno to get a pap to check on the HPV, while im there i tell her Ive been really uncomfortable down there. I tell her the spot and she said it look extremely red and it appears to be a little cut. She tells me she suspects its herpes. I almost threw up in the chair. My suspicions have been correct i can feel it. She told me not to panic until the results come in. I have been going crazy since. 2 weeks have passed and i just called in for my results and the gyno told me that they lost my blood work. I am so upset, and my anxiety is crazy. I pray every night hoping for a miracle, that all these symptoms can just be something else, something curable. What gives me hope is that the first herpes test was negative, maybe the gyno is wrong about what she thinks. i really hope, and im going crazy and drowning in my own thoughts. I am only 18 and a one night stand changed my life. If i can rewind and do it all over again i def would have changed my fate. I am alone in these thoughts, i cannot tell my parents. I am an only child and they think the world of me, thinking about disappointing them makes me cry. Im crying right now. How can i live a normal life and have kids? What man would want to marry me? These thoughts consume me. The gyno told me i must come in from another blood test. Im scared, to wait another week is going to be torture. To me, besides AIDS, this is the worst thing possible. I confessed to a priest, since i am religious. He gave me an penance like none other ive had before. He told me to go outside and let my senses take control. Whenever i see, smell, feel, or taste anything pleasant, to thank God. I did so and i felt better. Now i just thank god that im alive. I pray for myself, and anyone else in my position. May god bless us with his healing powers. To all the girls that feel like it can never happen to them, think again..because it can. Always always always use a condom. It isnt worth it. Even someone you've been with for years can deceive you. Put yourself 1st and love your self. Remember this saying "My body is my temple." God Bless...=( |
